Just want to say one more thing about… oh, who am I kidding? I’ve never just said ONE thing about anything in my life. But the conversation about Josh Duggar’s sex scandal continues to grip social media, and any conversation we can have as a society about child sexual abuse is helpful in our efforts to keep children safer in this world.
Kids harming kids is a tough one. For one, kids being “sexual” in any capacity is alarming; however, how many of us have played the game, “You-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine” and never suffered an ounce of psychological, emotional, or physical harm because of it. Years ago a teacher I know heard a couple of kids playing behind the curtain in the auditorium of their school and went to corral them back out to the playground for recess where they were supposed to be. They were playing, “Peeky-Peeky”. Neither were apparently adversely affected by the experience.
Then there’s Josh Duggar, who was considerably older than his victims yet still a “child”.
What about his parents, who allegedly knew about his antics (and I use that word loosely) and told him what? “No more Hide-and-Seek with the girls? You’re not allowed to change any more diapers?” How about, “You don’t live here anymore. We will find other arrangements for you while we get you some help because we have to protect our other children.”
Is he a predator who needs to be locked away from society for the rest of his life? Or was he simply a boy who was acting out this way due to adolescent confusion exacerbated by some really crappy teaching by his church?
This article, http://fiddlrts.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-duggars-how-fundamentalisms.html, was written by an attorney who has handled many cases involving fundamentalist families who have had sexual issues. I’ve read every word of this very long article, and I suggest you do the same. Definitely much food for thought here.
This gentleman’s central claim is that Christian fundamentalism is fraught with pitfalls that make situations like these inevitable. < His word. The Duggars’ pastor is Bill Gothard. To say that Gothard’s counsel has been greatly criticized in regard to child sexual abuse is the understatement of the millennium. A few key points:
Let’s chew on this one a while… Why did God let it happen? Immodest dress and indecent exposure? (Female’s fault.) Being out from protection of our parents with evil friends? (Victim’s fault again.)
How about this one?
While you’re at it, Google the, “Still Not Asking for It” girl. She sums it up nicely.
How about #6/#8 of Gothard’s handout? Apparently, a victim of sexual abuse can just trade it in for a closer walk with Jesus. That would be awesome if it weren’t complete and total bullshit. Let me make this clear as a survivor of child sexual abuse: What happened to me was not for my making – it only served to derail and destroy who I was created to be, and I had some pretty big “God issues” as a result. I had insurmountable hurdles thrown in front of me, and it took a lot of hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and counseling for me to get past those. This notion that being the victim of sexual abuse gives you spiritual power is the biggest crock of crap I’ve ever heard and for anyone to preach or teach that is unconscionable. Period. To ask which would you rather have? To be abused and spiritually strong or safe and spiritually weak is … is … there are no words. It is the epitome of stupidity.
The rest of the worksheet basically says, “You can get over your bitterness by dedicating your body to God.” Uh, because you hadn’t done it before you were assaulted? There’s a sketchy inference there that, yes, it’s STILL your fault you were violated, and don’t forget to forgive your abuser.
So… where is the counsel for the perpetrator? Didn’t find any. Just a lot more fodder about how modesty is really important in the home to prevent situations like these.
Insert a 14-year-old boy raised in this mentality, and you might just find a kid who believes that he won’t be held accountable for his behavior and that his actions are really the fault of his sisters because they “tempted” him.
I wasn’t raised with Gothard’s teaching, but danged close enough. The notion that our perpetrator “couldn’t help himself” was drilled into our heads. In no way could he ever be held accountable for his actions. Furthermore, as the head of the home, we were not to question him. When I asked my mother why she allowed our sexual abuse to continue — it was no secret in our house — she simply said, “I cannot make your father [he wasn't my father] do what is right in the sight of the Lord. I can only do what God commands me to do, which is submit to the authority that God has placed over me.”
It’s a miracle I’m sane, right?
The clothes that we wore out of the house was always suspect. We weren’t allowed to dance – we never went to our proms or any school dances because “boys only wanted one thing”. Our things. Just by being out in the world, the inferred message was, we were tempting and, therefore, culpable. Everything was a sin: dancing, drinking alcohol [even though my Stepmonster claimed later that he'd done these things to us while intoxicated -- total lie], listening to secular music, to name just a few.
As a result, I grew up with a self-concept of unworthiness that the teachings of my church only fueled with its “lowly worm theology”. Nobody needed to sell me the idea that I was sinful – I got it.
I got it.
And if I didn’t forgive my abuser, then I wouldn’t be forgiven.
Insert 14-year-old boy here raised in this mentality who knows that he’ll be forgiven by his sisters because they know full well they’ll end up in Hell if they don’t.
Here is an excerpt from the blog post above:
“You keep tightening that lid. Pushing down on all sexuality. The pressure keeps building.
He has zero options.
So he has the new feelings of puberty, an environment that discourages talking about sex, overwhelming guilt about sexual thoughts, teachings that blame girls for his desires, a long time until he would have any approved outlet for his sexuality, and…
…the only females available to him in any way are his little sisters.
How could this possibly go wrong?
And that, in my opinion, is how young men who would not otherwise become predatory end up engaging in sexual assault.”
Obviously, he is not excusing Josh Duggars’ behavior. He is certainly open to the possibility that we have a full-blown pedophile on our hands here, but he isn’t in a hurry to label child offenders either.
These are my thoughts:
~ When there is a considerable difference in age between child perpetrator and child victims, that is a red flag.
~ When there is inherent threat present, that is a crime.
~ When children are given gifts to pacify or placate them for their abuse, that is a crime.
~ The way that the alleged victim internalizes the situation is the #1 consideration when decided if harm has been done. When two small children are playing “Peeky-Peeky” and no one seems alarmed or harmed, let’s not make that a bigger deal than it is. Let’s not label them “predator” and “prey”. That can be damaging to all involved.
~ ANYTHING that can be done to educate and rehabilitate a child who has acted out sexually on another child should be done. ANYTHING we can do to PREVENT a child from growing up into someone who is a danger to society should be done.
~ Finally, call into question ANY organization, religious or otherwise, whose ideologies tend to blame victims or foster a culture of silence.
On that note, I would like to say that I am so, so proud of the churches with whom I’ve been associated. They have protocols and policies in place to prevent abuse of children in their care, and they WILL call the cops if and when they know that abuse has occurred. I often wish I were being raised now instead of 30+ years ago.
It makes me wonder how it would have changed the trajectory of my life if I had found sanctuary there.
All I want to do is make sure it’s sanctuary now and for always.
Daisy Rain Martin is editor in chief for RAIN Magazine. She is also the author of Juxtaposed: Finding Sanctuary on the Outside and If It’s Happened to You, which can both be found on her website. Look for Hopegivers: Hope is Here in 2015.
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